Tormentor

You come home and start to fill my ear with all the words you know I needed to hear.  “You’re the best mom ever.” “I’d never want any other mom but you.” ” I missed you so much.” “I love you, Mom.” But this time I’m not convinced they are how you feel. How could you repeatedly hurt me and tell these lies then come home and pretend those very things didn’t come out your mouth? Living a lie is not my type of happiness. It’s getting harder and harder to be around you.

I must sit there and contemplate how I will react and make sure I’m showing all the right responses. This is the hardest part of all. The knowing of all those damaging statements and having to keep quiet. I can’t be myself any longer around you.

Are you capable of remorse or you just that confused? I would never go as far to calling you evil but most of the time I look at you and don’t even recognize that sweet, innocent child anymore. Where are you my baby? “Wake up, I’m begging you……for the love of God”, my mind screams.

I’m stressed to the max, can’t concentrate, can’t eat, can’t function like I need to all the while you are causing these problems. I know if things were different on the other side you wouldn’t have to go through this but you know what you are doing is wrong. I can tell by the way you look at me and respond when I talk to you. Why is it hard to tell the truth? The truth shall set you free they say. It would set me free.

I would no longer feel guilty about these issues. I can move forward with my life and be happy. You are causing me this sadness. This depression. I’m on my last string, why can’t you do this one thing for me? The torment of guilt by letting go and the knowledge of the truth is wrecking me. When will you see, how can I help you I repeatedly ask and your always respond, “I don’t know.” You know baby girl! You know! Let me in or continue to risk losing your mother.

This is clearly what you are wanting. I don’t think you are aware of the amount of damage you are causing and my hands are tied as to verbalizing that tremendous amount.

I want happiness and you use to be my happiness but now you are just a shell of a person I once knew.

I’ll forever love you but love is not enough….I had never imagined my child could torment me.

 

 

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PAS….

4/19/17:

Same shit, different day….

This morning I woke up and was dreading my afternoon. I needed to meet my ex at counseling to discuss the current situation we are in. Here’s the deal, I filed for divorce in mid-September 2014. I am not divorced so my ex is still my current husband. I know crazy right!

A little background to understand my current drama is this has been an on-going custody battle. He wants to be awarded full custody of our 10-year old daughter while I on the other hand have always wanted to be the primary custodial parent and share joint custody.

I have so far spent over $20k to have had my daughter go from seeing her father every other weekend, rotating holidays, and summer weeks to myself having my baby only every other 7 days now. If you are wondering what would constitute a dramatic change like that well you’ll have to keep reading my posts.

I’m not doing well in this current situation and every day my hope for the truth and justice diminishes increasingly. My life has been all about my daughter since June 27, 2006. This is where narcissism and manipulation has come into play. Now I am not perfect by any means what so ever but what I am not is a LIAR, MANIPULATOR, and/or NARCISSIST.

I have always kept my past in the past and never wanted to discuss my hurt. If I don’t discuss it then it’s not real in a sort of way. This is part of the reason I believe I am in my current situation. Here is my role in this…

So, fast forward to today, the counselor (who is my daughter’s counselor for 1 ½ years) calls to let me know the counseling session is cancelled due to Jared leaving her a message over the weekend that he had to change shifts at work. Well how come I’m just finding out now? How come he didn’t notify me I could have rescheduled my day! I had already changed a meeting at work to make that appointment work today. So, I’m pissed. Also, I spoke to him Monday twice about my daughter missing school, her lying to me about attending school, and him not notifying me of her not going.

She let me know he is coming at a different time with his girlfriend. Convenient much?! Of course, just another way to attempt to manipulate someone involved in this divorce/custody litigation. I sent him a text about how come he didn’t bother to notify me and that this session was for us to discuss Ava. The reply I received was, “This meeting was for us to meet with her not you.” HELLLOOOO, am I damn crazy you set up the initial appointment with the time that was convenient for you with the counselor. She told you and me this session our daughter didn’t need to attend because we needed to work out our issues before the boyfriend and girlfriend attended.

I still can’t believe I’m having to go through this and ultimately my daughter’s well-being. I know deep down she’s not well. In this current situation, my hands are tied. I can’t parent. I can’t discipline. I can’t talk. I feel as if I can’t even love her the way I want too. I can’t even pretend anymore.

ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE IS THAT THE COURT SYSTEM AND ATTORNEYS INVOLVED ARE CORRUPT AND PARENT ALIENATION IS REAL.

MY TRUTH: WHAT I AM A VITCIM OF IS PARENT ALIENATION SYNDROME.

 

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The Unknown

4/18/17:

Today I woke up and it was an ordinary day for me. As I get ready for work I’m looking at myself in the mirror and I can’t even give myself a compliment. My mind has been racing all night and since I was awakened by my boyfriend’s alarm clock. I wash my face, get dressed, and head out the door for another 8-hour shift. Some background information I’m a Registered Nurse at a local hospital. I love my job. Don’t get me wrong some days I absolutely wonder why did I choose this profession but I have a magnificent work family and they have been amazing at helping me deal with my current situation for the past 3 years. I got a promotion last October and have the flashy title of Team Leader. My boss likes to call me the assistant manager which full disclosure makes me embarrassed and nervous. I’ve never seen myself in a “manager” type of role. I still see myself as that teenager from Buras, La.  My manager is absolutely fucking amazing. I’d never want her job but if she ever left the hospital I’d have to reconsider if I’d stay.

I drove to work (takes about 40-45mins) playing Pandora R&B slow jams. I couldn’t enjoy my favorite station today which has been a reoccurring theme lately. I have little enjoyment in life right now and I can’t help but wonder why and how did I get into this current situation. The truth of the matter is I know exactly how I got here. I made some life decisions that have proven I’ll have to deal with this for my lifespan and the hardest part is choosing whether to beat myself up or get the fuck over it and be happy.

Yes, get the fuck over it and be happy is what I choose!! Its just never that easy…. 

I’m one of those people that over-analyze my situations and work out different scenarios to all my situations later. I also have that guilty conscience and its possible that it’s because I have never been truly confident in myself, my thoughts, my decisions, or what I want out of life.

I used to believe that depression was something that we created for ourselves and that if you didn’t believe in it you wouldn’t be able to have it. I thought it was fake and here is where I was wrong. My amazing little sister has depression and she use to post about it on social media and I’d roll my eyes and think snap out of it and why do you want this attention. And this little sister of mine (who is now 19) has been there for me through my depression (self-diagnosed). She has been supportive of me and reassured me that I am not all those things that are being said and that I can always talk to her when needed.

My sister lives with me. She moved in with me at 8 years old. I have a new mother to a 6-month old at the time. My mother and step-father weren’t doing very well in life. Their priorities were screwed up. My mother gave me temporary custody of her with the idea that she would get her life together than my sister would move back in with my mom. It didn’t happen and I’m glad. As frustrating as it was to have a child not that far in age from you and a teen in my 20s it has been very rewarding to see the type of woman she is becoming.

There was nothing special about today at work except that my focus wasn’t there. My focus was on this depressing situation I’m in and then it started happening again.

My mind was racing and asking myself. Why does this keep happening? Is it worth it? After all I’ve done? I just want to give up! I don’t want to do this anymore! What will happen when I give up? Am I this person? How can someone all I’ve done is love and care for do this? They know this is wrong! Why do I have to keep getting hurt? I’m done! I can’t do this anymore! I’m ready to wash my hands with this and happy? Can I be happy if I give up?

My truth: I don’t want to keep doing this. I absolutely want to fucking give up. I want happiness but it seems too far away to grasp. I’m fed up! I hate this situation!

I then cried in my office for a bit then collected myself and went through the motions to finish the work day.

As I type this, I’m crying and I haven’t even gotten to deep level. I feel stupid and child-like. I can’t deal anymore today to bed I go.

 

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