You come home and start to fill my ear with all the words you know I needed to hear.  “You’re the best mom ever.” “I’d never want any other mom but you.” ” I missed you so much.” “I love you, Mom.” But this time I’m not convinced they are how you feel. How could you repeatedly hurt me and tell these lies then come home and pretend those very things didn’t come out your mouth? Living a lie is not my type of happiness. It’s getting harder and harder to be around you.

I must sit there and contemplate how I will react and make sure I’m showing all the right responses. This is the hardest part of all. The knowing of all those damaging statements and having to keep quiet. I can’t be myself any longer around you.

Are you capable of remorse or you just that confused? I would never go as far to calling you evil but most of the time I look at you and don’t even recognize that sweet, innocent child anymore. Where are you my baby? “Wake up, I’m begging you……for the love of God”, my mind screams.

I’m stressed to the max, can’t concentrate, can’t eat, can’t function like I need to all the while you are causing these problems. I know if things were different on the other side you wouldn’t have to go through this but you know what you are doing is wrong. I can tell by the way you look at me and respond when I talk to you. Why is it hard to tell the truth? The truth shall set you free they say. It would set me free.

I would no longer feel guilty about these issues. I can move forward with my life and be happy. You are causing me this sadness. This depression. I’m on my last string, why can’t you do this one thing for me? The torment of guilt by letting go and the knowledge of the truth is wrecking me. When will you see, how can I help you I repeatedly ask and your always respond, “I don’t know.” You know baby girl! You know! Let me in or continue to risk losing your mother.

This is clearly what you are wanting. I don’t think you are aware of the amount of damage you are causing and my hands are tied as to verbalizing that tremendous amount.

I want happiness and you use to be my happiness but now you are just a shell of a person I once knew.

I’ll forever love you but love is not enough….I had never imagined my child could torment me.




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