The Unknown

4/18/17:

Today I woke up and it was an ordinary day for me. As I get ready for work I’m looking at myself in the mirror and I can’t even give myself a compliment. My mind has been racing all night and since I was awakened by my boyfriend’s alarm clock. I wash my face, get dressed, and head out the door for another 8-hour shift. Some background information I’m a Registered Nurse at a local hospital. I love my job. Don’t get me wrong some days I absolutely wonder why did I choose this profession but I have a magnificent work family and they have been amazing at helping me deal with my current situation for the past 3 years. I got a promotion last October and have the flashy title of Team Leader. My boss likes to call me the assistant manager which full disclosure makes me embarrassed and nervous. I’ve never seen myself in a “manager” type of role. I still see myself as that teenager from Buras, La.  My manager is absolutely fucking amazing. I’d never want her job but if she ever left the hospital I’d have to reconsider if I’d stay.

I drove to work (takes about 40-45mins) playing Pandora R&B slow jams. I couldn’t enjoy my favorite station today which has been a reoccurring theme lately. I have little enjoyment in life right now and I can’t help but wonder why and how did I get into this current situation. The truth of the matter is I know exactly how I got here. I made some life decisions that have proven I’ll have to deal with this for my lifespan and the hardest part is choosing whether to beat myself up or get the fuck over it and be happy.

Yes, get the fuck over it and be happy is what I choose!! Its just never that easy…. 

I’m one of those people that over-analyze my situations and work out different scenarios to all my situations later. I also have that guilty conscience and its possible that it’s because I have never been truly confident in myself, my thoughts, my decisions, or what I want out of life.

I used to believe that depression was something that we created for ourselves and that if you didn’t believe in it you wouldn’t be able to have it. I thought it was fake and here is where I was wrong. My amazing little sister has depression and she use to post about it on social media and I’d roll my eyes and think snap out of it and why do you want this attention. And this little sister of mine (who is now 19) has been there for me through my depression (self-diagnosed). She has been supportive of me and reassured me that I am not all those things that are being said and that I can always talk to her when needed.

My sister lives with me. She moved in with me at 8 years old. I have a new mother to a 6-month old at the time. My mother and step-father weren’t doing very well in life. Their priorities were screwed up. My mother gave me temporary custody of her with the idea that she would get her life together than my sister would move back in with my mom. It didn’t happen and I’m glad. As frustrating as it was to have a child not that far in age from you and a teen in my 20s it has been very rewarding to see the type of woman she is becoming.

There was nothing special about today at work except that my focus wasn’t there. My focus was on this depressing situation I’m in and then it started happening again.

My mind was racing and asking myself. Why does this keep happening? Is it worth it? After all I’ve done? I just want to give up! I don’t want to do this anymore! What will happen when I give up? Am I this person? How can someone all I’ve done is love and care for do this? They know this is wrong! Why do I have to keep getting hurt? I’m done! I can’t do this anymore! I’m ready to wash my hands with this and happy? Can I be happy if I give up?

My truth: I don’t want to keep doing this. I absolutely want to fucking give up. I want happiness but it seems too far away to grasp. I’m fed up! I hate this situation!

I then cried in my office for a bit then collected myself and went through the motions to finish the work day.

As I type this, I’m crying and I haven’t even gotten to deep level. I feel stupid and child-like. I can’t deal anymore today to bed I go.

 

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