Tormentor

You come home and start to fill my ear with all the words you know I needed to hear.  “You’re the best mom ever.” “I’d never want any other mom but you.” ” I missed you so much.” “I love you, Mom.” But this time I’m not convinced they are how you feel. How could you repeatedly hurt me and tell these lies then come home and pretend those very things didn’t come out your mouth? Living a lie is not my type of happiness. It’s getting harder and harder to be around you.

I must sit there and contemplate how I will react and make sure I’m showing all the right responses. This is the hardest part of all. The knowing of all those damaging statements and having to keep quiet. I can’t be myself any longer around you.

Are you capable of remorse or you just that confused? I would never go as far to calling you evil but most of the time I look at you and don’t even recognize that sweet, innocent child anymore. Where are you my baby? “Wake up, I’m begging you……for the love of God”, my mind screams.

I’m stressed to the max, can’t concentrate, can’t eat, can’t function like I need to all the while you are causing these problems. I know if things were different on the other side you wouldn’t have to go through this but you know what you are doing is wrong. I can tell by the way you look at me and respond when I talk to you. Why is it hard to tell the truth? The truth shall set you free they say. It would set me free.

I would no longer feel guilty about these issues. I can move forward with my life and be happy. You are causing me this sadness. This depression. I’m on my last string, why can’t you do this one thing for me? The torment of guilt by letting go and the knowledge of the truth is wrecking me. When will you see, how can I help you I repeatedly ask and your always respond, “I don’t know.” You know baby girl! You know! Let me in or continue to risk losing your mother.

This is clearly what you are wanting. I don’t think you are aware of the amount of damage you are causing and my hands are tied as to verbalizing that tremendous amount.

I want happiness and you use to be my happiness but now you are just a shell of a person I once knew.

I’ll forever love you but love is not enough….I had never imagined my child could torment me.

 

 

PAS….

4/19/17:

Same shit, different day….

This morning I woke up and was dreading my afternoon. I needed to meet my ex at counseling to discuss the current situation we are in. Here’s the deal, I filed for divorce in mid-September 2014. I am not divorced so my ex is still my current husband. I know crazy right!

A little background to understand my current drama is this has been an on-going custody battle. He wants to be awarded full custody of our 10-year old daughter while I on the other hand have always wanted to be the primary custodial parent and share joint custody.

I have so far spent over $20k to have had my daughter go from seeing her father every other weekend, rotating holidays, and summer weeks to myself having my baby only every other 7 days now. If you are wondering what would constitute a dramatic change like that well you’ll have to keep reading my posts.

I’m not doing well in this current situation and every day my hope for the truth and justice diminishes increasingly. My life has been all about my daughter since June 27, 2006. This is where narcissism and manipulation has come into play. Now I am not perfect by any means what so ever but what I am not is a LIAR, MANIPULATOR, and/or NARCISSIST.

I have always kept my past in the past and never wanted to discuss my hurt. If I don’t discuss it then it’s not real in a sort of way. This is part of the reason I believe I am in my current situation. Here is my role in this…

So, fast forward to today, the counselor (who is my daughter’s counselor for 1 ½ years) calls to let me know the counseling session is cancelled due to Jared leaving her a message over the weekend that he had to change shifts at work. Well how come I’m just finding out now? How come he didn’t notify me I could have rescheduled my day! I had already changed a meeting at work to make that appointment work today. So, I’m pissed. Also, I spoke to him Monday twice about my daughter missing school, her lying to me about attending school, and him not notifying me of her not going.

She let me know he is coming at a different time with his girlfriend. Convenient much?! Of course, just another way to attempt to manipulate someone involved in this divorce/custody litigation. I sent him a text about how come he didn’t bother to notify me and that this session was for us to discuss Ava. The reply I received was, “This meeting was for us to meet with her not you.” HELLLOOOO, am I damn crazy you set up the initial appointment with the time that was convenient for you with the counselor. She told you and me this session our daughter didn’t need to attend because we needed to work out our issues before the boyfriend and girlfriend attended.

I still can’t believe I’m having to go through this and ultimately my daughter’s well-being. I know deep down she’s not well. In this current situation, my hands are tied. I can’t parent. I can’t discipline. I can’t talk. I feel as if I can’t even love her the way I want too. I can’t even pretend anymore.

ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE IS THAT THE COURT SYSTEM AND ATTORNEYS INVOLVED ARE CORRUPT AND PARENT ALIENATION IS REAL.

MY TRUTH: WHAT I AM A VITCIM OF IS PARENT ALIENATION SYNDROME.